The year now is 2015 and it's been twenty years and two months since I had my mental breakdown and began seeing my alters in my head. My son is now twenty five and has not suffered from his mom being out of control for so long. In fact after he was told about my condition (as much as you can tell a five year old anyway) he began to make jokes about our "Nyetta" who was the violent, angry, mean alter.
His outlook on the whole situation was absolutely remarkable. I was so afraid that he would be scared for life by our alters switching in and out as much as we did but the more therapy we got, the better we could control that.
Before therapy began, my son learned that if he asked enough times and in different ways for something, that eventually he would get the right alter to come out and agree to get him what ever he wanted or do what ever he wanted to do. I remember one day after a couple of years in therapy, my son and I were riding down the road and he wanted something (I can't remember what it was) but he was adamant about getting it and kept asking in different ways. Finally he crossed his arms and stuck out his bottom lip and said that he didn't like me seeing Dr. Riser (because we could finally begin to control the switching).
It has only been five years now since I stopped seeing my therapist but I still see my psychiatrist for refills. I'm still on the same anti-depressants that finally began to work on me. It took about a year to get just the right prescriptions at the right doses and I've been on them ever since.
I did try to get off of them last year but the depression came back and was so much worst than even before (or at least it felt that way) so I got back on all of the drugs and anti-anxiety pills, so I will be on them forever now. Such a small price to pay for pure happiness and calmness.
I never dreamed that "I" could be a happy person! I used to watch my family and friends laughing and going places and having fun but I couldn't understand why or how they could be so happy. I always thought that I was doomed to a life of torment and just accepted the fact that I was the freak that my friends always thought that I was. But now twenty years after therapy began I'm always amazed at how happy life can be. Just to read it, does not really give it the power that I feel, the amazement that I am not the depressed, anxious and unhappy person that I used to be still seems so unreal to me.
I still have very little memories of childhood and I also have problems with short term memory (that started to occur when I had my mental breakdown). I know that I had more memories before the break down, I just can not get those memories back and well I'm satisfied with the memories that I do have to date.
Don't get me wrong, therapy was a hard, grueling, emotional process and I lost many nights of sleep while "working" on my journal but because I kept the journal and read them after something had been written down by an alter personality, the walls that separated myself from my alters slowly broke down until I/we were and are now whole.
I still don't understand the process of how and when we created them but I know why we did now. I remember when I had my hysterectomy in 1986 (before the breakdown and before I knew anything really serious was wrong with me) a new alter was created the night of the surgery. The original Candy thought that "not only would she still have the pains that she had before surgery but now she would have the pains from both, those pains in my stomach and the surgery for life". She just couldn't handle it anymore.
[Top of Page]
The day after my surgery I remember very clearly that I was all of a sudden talking about Christ and how God saved my life by sending me the doctor that he had. It was literally a miracle. I began to talk with my dear friend about this and all I could talk about was how God had worked in my life and took all of the physical pains away finally. I thought so many times the next couple of days how this was not the way that I usually talk and couldn't understand but now I know that it was Christy who was created. In fact she did not even feel the pain that Candy had felt and even asked the nurses (the very next day after surgery) if she could get up and walk. The nurses couldn't believe their ears but they went ahead and took the IV out of my arm and stood me up and I automatically walked around normal just as if I hadn't had surgery at all. I began walking to the candy machine and bringing back treats to the nurses on a daily basis. The healing process was over for me, I just had to prove to the doctor that I was ready to go home. Although he kept me there for a whole week.
As far as my other alters go, I can only pinpoint one other alter being created and that was when my son was a baby. I vomited every time I picked him up for six months. Just the mere point of dealing with baby things brought back too many emotional memories that at the time I had no clue about. Finally Karen was created to take care of him and the vomiting stopped. I remember very little of his childhood, I don't even remember picking him up out of his crib at all or carrying him around. My best friend came over every day and she has told me over and over again that every time she was here that I would be singing to him and playing with him. Maybe some day I will get those memories back but in the long run, you really can't miss the memories that you never had I suppose. Now I wonder how things will be with my grandchildren. Only time will tell. If I have problems I've always got my psychotherapist to go to if such day gets here.
In the meantime I enjoy every visit from my son when he comes over and I'm more in love with my husband than I ever dreamed possible. The funny thing is that before therapy I used to tell him that he needed professional help when all the time it was me who needed it. I am so glad that now all three of us can sit back and reminisce over the funny things that went on back then. And I can only thank God for sending me to my primary physician who referred me to my psychiatrist and from there I got my psychotherapist, all within two days. They all knew each other personally and it was easier that way so everyone knew what was going on with me. I finally had an army of helpers who knew what to do with me. And that was a miracle in itself.
If you are in turmoil and at a loss, depressed, or have major mental problems you can come over to the other side. Just know that it takes a lot of hard work, journaling, recovering memories that can be healed and (well at least for me) lots of anti depressants that helped calm me so that I could do the work that I needed to do to heal.
All in all, after Psychotherapy my life is brand new. Instead of creating new alters to handle rough situations, I'm in control now. Oh I have my moments when I forget things but I do not loose time anymore. I know what happens from one minute to the next, I remember yesterday, and what I did a week ago, maybe not in detail but If I'm not mistaken I don't think anybody remembers everything of every second of their days. Euphoria is the only word that I can describe the happiness that engulfs my every waking moment now. I try telling people who know about me and my mental problems how elated I am and they usually say something like "well that's good". That's putting it lightly! All of my life sunny days were so dark and depressing to me and the night, in the dark I always felt safe but I found out in therapy that it was because my abuse happened in the daytime while Daddy was at work and my siblings were at school, but I can now look at the sun without my heart being ripped out of my chest. I can look people in the eye when I talk with them now because I have more confidence and I can laugh out loud just like any one else can. And now I can take a bad situation with a grain of salt without believing that the world is coming to an end.
I've lost most of my siblings by now because of my accusations of abuse. and I've lost all of my friends that I had before, during and after therapy, they've all abandoned me. But I have healthier friends now who do know about my situation but accept me for what I have been through. After 59 years of life, these past five have been the best by far and each day gets even better than the day before. I know that I'm out of that dark hole and if I ever fall in again, I know exactly where to go for health.
By: Candy Little